Quotes by P.J. O’Rourke

  • Wherever there is suffering, injustice and oppression, the Americans will show up, six months late, and bomb the country next to where it is happening.


    America, USA

  • The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.


    Sports

  • Like many men of my generation, I had the opportunity to give war a chance and I promptly chickened out.


    War

  • Liberals have invented whole new college majors – psychology, sociology, women’s studies to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault.


    University

  • You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame or humiliation is now called publicity.


    Celebrity, Publicity, Shame

  • Everybody in fifteenth-century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.


    Travel

  • There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.


    Sex

  • Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.


    Seriousness

  • I’ve always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot, he’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.


    Religion

  • To mistrust science and to deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You’d better go look for work as a plant or a wild animal.


    Science

  • Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don’t need any of those things.


    Manners

  • Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so if God had been his wife.


    Satan

  • Politics are, like God ’s infinite mercy, a last resort.


    Politics

  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys.


    Politics

  • The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders.


    Middle East

  • Worship of nature may be ancient, but seeing nature as cuddlesome, hug-a-bear and too cute for words, is strictly a modern fashion.


    Nature

  • Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


    Lover

  • I like to do my principle research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.


    Journalism

  • They also serve who only stand and whinge.


    Journalism

  • Humour is by its nature more truthful than factual.


    Humour

  • A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.


    Fruit