Quotes by P.J. O’Rourke

  • Wherever there is suffering, injustice and oppression, the Americans will show up, six months late, and bomb the country next to where it is happening.

    America, USA

  • The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.


  • Like many men of my generation, I had the opportunity to give war a chance and I promptly chickened out.


  • Liberals have invented whole new college majors – psychology, sociology, women’s studies to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault.


  • You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame or humiliation is now called publicity.

    Celebrity, Publicity, Shame

  • Everybody in fifteenth-century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.


  • There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.


  • Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.


  • I’ve always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot, he’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.


  • To mistrust science and to deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You’d better go look for work as a plant or a wild animal.


  • Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don’t need any of those things.


  • Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so if God had been his wife.


  • Politics are, like God ’s infinite mercy, a last resort.


  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys.


  • The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders.

    Middle East

  • Worship of nature may be ancient, but seeing nature as cuddlesome, hug-a-bear and too cute for words, is strictly a modern fashion.


  • Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


  • I like to do my principle research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.


  • They also serve who only stand and whinge.


  • Humour is by its nature more truthful than factual.


  • A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.