Quotes by Groucho Marx

  • Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.


    Animals

  • Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.


    Wit

  • Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.


    Socialising

  • Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine; we were both crazy about girls.


    Sex

  • I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.


    Theatre

  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.


    Television

  • Since my daughter is only half Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
    [on being refused admittance to a smart California beach club]


    Prejudice

  • Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.


    Principles

  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.


    Politics

  • My favourite poem is one that start ‘Thirty days has September’ because it actually tells you something.


    Poetry

  • Anyone can get old . All you have to do is live long enough.


    Age

  • No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.
    [on being asked if it was his real name]


    Names

  • From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.


    Books

  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.


    Justice

  • What have future generations ever done for us?


    Future

  • Just think what God could have done if he had the money.


    God

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.


    Dislike

  • There were three things that Chico was always on, a phone a horse of a broad.


    Descriptions

  • I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I’d rather dance with the cows until you came home.


    Dance

  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.


    Critics

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.


    False Compliments